Missing You.

I can't help but notice how still my hands have been lately.
27 bones 15 joints and multiple tendons aren't meant to be held motionless.
Neither are lips. There's a reason why there are eight muscles to the mouth.
8+8=16 and sixteen was how old we were.

I've got the 'feels' please take them away.

SHOUT OUT TO THE BLOG TITLE THAT MADE ME SAY "ACTUALLY NO I DON'T. NOT ANYMORE." thank you for reminding me.

The only thing I know right now is that I have to pee.
Everything else that i'm supposed to know brushed my lips but I choked it down my throat and forced it out of my finger tips.
Because last year to this day is the day I decided to.....
stop talking
stop talking
stop talking
happy anniversary to my suppressed thoughts and feelings (as I throw confetti an blow a party horn)

I promised myself I wasn't going to write anymore.

I promised myself I wasn't going to sit in the park by myself anymore.

I promised myself I wouldn't love anymore

But here I am sitting at the park writing about how much I don't want to love.

And I can't help feeling that life's just that way because I am positive the world is going to end for me every day and it never does. 

Maybe it has though.

Happy two day anniversary to my mind because I can't stop thinking about him and your worried about us and what could happen but mostly you worried about him.

 Happy five month and ten day anniversary to my hair because it's been five months and ten days sense you've felt  the wind from two windows and a sun roof blow through you. 

Happy five month and ten day anniversary to my hands because it's been exactly that long sense you held freedom in them from a steering wheel that was yours. 

Happy year anniversary to my lounges and my heart because it's been that long since I've given you both the freedom you deserve.

give me a 1995 four runner because 

ALL I KNOW NOW IS THAT I WANT TO DRIVE

PARIS (Pictures and quotes taken from my trip more to come...)

I feel like my heart and my mind should have exploded by now.

 loyd dobler

But if I was giving shits I’d  say , “sofa king” and mouth the words, “vacuum bench” which makes it look like I’m swearing. So. That’s cool too. 

Just, Hazel

  

  I crave you

And the honey craves the bee

So in an alternate universe

Do you crave me

LOTUS SUTRA

Dear Life,

I can't decide whether you look better broken. 

~Pleasefindmehere

The other day my mom came up to me and said "don't give up". We were talking about god.

 Gustave Daae

 

Lola franklin

FREAAAAKKK

FREAK.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THINGS THAT MATTER BUT I FEEL LIKE NO ONE LISTENS.
FREAK. * I throw a desk on the floor.*

I Was Going To Write a Poem (real talk)

I was going to write a poem but it has all been written for me.

The tight kid with the daddy issues wrote it for me

The theater kid that may or may not smoke pot, the jock that wants to love and the girl that occasionally dyes her hair red,

They all wrote it for me.

And your happy pictures...

How did you know that's exactly what I wish I could say?

To the kid that sits in front of us that no one knew the name of,  how did you know that's exactly how I don't want to feel?

And I was going to write a poem about me but I ended up writing a poem about her writing a poem about him because it reminded me of you.

I was going to write a poem but the not really English teacher that's more like a life changer wrote it for me.

Or should I say us.

Because I've come to the conclusion that I was under the illusion that I had something to write about, different from you.

To talk about, different from you.

To be something you won't
To say things that you don't.

But WE said it.

I'll see you all in art school.

I'll see you in business school.

Five Years and Counting (This is not a sad poem.)

I remember December 31st 2008 when none of us really knew what seven minutes in heaven was but we played it anyway. We held hands for seven minutes.

And I remember crying that next morning because I thought getting your first kiss was losing your virginity. I spent the next week praying.

I remember the snowball fight of January 2010 and realize that my flirting methods haven't changed much since then.  (that's so sad)

I remember that breakup in front of the buses.

I remember February 2011 when we could have sworn there were no clouds above us and it was snowing anyway.  

I remember summer 2011 when that kid down the street moved in and there we're too many jokes made around the ping pong table. Sting pong and love sacks.

I wish I didn't remember fall 2011. The first year of High School and I blew it.

I remember those first couple weeks in January of our sophomore year when the strong people stayed and the weak people left. Everyone wore skirts even though they probably didn't want us too.  

I remember getting a prom dress and having to take it back.  I blame that on me. So did everyone else.

I remember begging for forgiveness. 

I remember that summer when soccer ended all too abruptly.

I remember getting the phone call that their secret was out and it was on the news.

I remember the number 27.

I remember Junior year. The halls were filled with secrets I didn't tell and eyes I tried not to meet.

And then the first weeks in January and I was the weak one that year. 

I remember not getting a dress for prom of 2013.

I remember talking with her for an hour like the past never happened.

I remember August 29th and being the happiest person on earth.

I remember a couple weeks ago talking to all of them.

And then last Monday he gave me a hug and I tried not to cry because little do they know and little do they care I actually think about the past a lot and mostly I'm sorry.

How to crush me.

Tell me your taking me to the moon and don't.

Tell me my art is kind of alright. 

Tell me I can't drive again because i'm not safe.

Tell me I don't know what i'm talking about. (and I swear i'll punch you in the face.)

Tell me what i'm feeling is just to get attention. (so what if it is. Give me some attention.)

Tell me I'm not good at that just to cause contention. 

I know I can't sing but on the occasion that I try please don't ruin that for me because it's rare. 

Don't invite me to hipster dance parties because you know how much I love those. 

Don't laugh at that last line. 

(Actually do because it's such a joke.)

Don't give me chocolate chip cookies when i'm sick. 

Don't come over when my boots are heavy. 

Don't write me a poem. Really don't because I know you don't mean it. 

Interrupt me when my mind is racing. 

Tell me you've bought a star for me and then you didn't. 

Tell me you'd travel far for me but you won't.

Run me through a crushing machine.